Life:
Time seems to be rushing by so quickly! There's not much time to do anything
except take care of the basics and get to and from our weekly acitivities.
For example, on Tuesday we went to "Buns in the Oven"- we had to leave at
2:30 to get there by about 4:00. It ended at 7:00 and we only got home at 8:00.
So even though an activity may be only a few hours, we need so much travel
time- not to mention preparation time! By the time she and I both eat a
morning meal, I have my shower and give her a bath, she eats another meal
or two, there's not much time left to get ready to go! I feel so jealous of
people with cars, because you can just hop in and go, and get there so
much faster. I can't go anywhere that's more than an hour and a half bus ride,
because she'll just get too hungry. I always try to feed her the last thing
before we leave though, so she'll be happy just sleeping on the trip, and it's
usually worked pretty well.
Last night, I looked around at my apartment filled with baby toys, and I thought
to myself- "Where did my life go?" I had such a different idea of where I
would be this year. I thought I would be up to my elbows in homework, not
diapers. It's kind of depressing sometimes... As much as I love being a mother,
and as much as I love Harmony, I do think about the "What if...". If I didn't
have Harmony, where would I be right now? What would I be doing? Would I
be hanging out with friends at university? Partying? Although, I know that
if I had made a different choice, the "What if..."s would be a lot worse-
What would my baby have looked like? Would I be holding her right now? Singing
to her? I'm so glad I didn't have an abortion- despite the sacrifices I've
had to make, that would be a choice I just couldn't have lived with. I'm also
glad I didn't go with adoption. I would always have been wondering where
my daughter was and whether or not she was ok. So even though I have those
moments, looking around my apartment, wondering, I don't regret any of the
choices I've made and I'm glad Harmony is here in the world. I think something
that brings on a lot of those moments is the fact that there's just no break!
I'm not talking about just physical breaks. Even when she's sleeping, I'm
a mother. I think about her, I'm cleaning up after her, or I'm doing
something for her, (or writing this journal about her!). Even if someone else
is looking after her for the moment, I'm still a mother. It's one role
there's just no escape from, at least it seems that way now. I think as time
goes by, I'll begin to return to my other roles more and more- friend,
student, musician, etc. but for now, the mother role is an all-encompassing
one.
Harmony's Growth:
Smiles, smiles, smiles! Since her first smile on Christmas day, she has
been practicing, and her little smiles have been getting longer and more
reactive to specific things. One day she smiled right after I gave her a big
kiss on the cheek. Another time she had a series of smiles while I was singing
to her. Her longest set of smiles so far has been for her great-grandma Dee-Dee,
whom we visited the other day. Dee-Dee was singing and talking to her
and Harmony was just so happy.
Harmony had a check-up on Monday- she now weighs 9 lbs 11 oz! She's outgrown
her newborn size diapers and is into size ones and her littlest sleepers
are starting to get a little small. I'm trying to start getting her used
to sleeping in her crib without the carbed, but it hasn't been going well
so far- I think she just feels too lost with so much space around her.
I think Harmony may be getting more used to bath time. I've started
"real" baths again- with her little bath inside the big one, I don't have
to lift anythig. It's still a bit of a strain to lift her into the bath,
but it's not that bad. She still hollers for most of it, but there were
a couple times when she just lay still, then kicked experimentally, and then
decided "Nope, I still don't like this" and started fussing again. It seems
as though bath time will never be easy, although I know someday she'll like it.
One of the things I got her for Christmas is a little bath seat that fits inside
the big tub so when she's older, that will be handy for baths.
Even though she's already 6 weeks old, she's still hanging on to a lot
of newbown characteristics. Her crying is still very newbown, although I can
now usually tell what the problem is. Last night she ate at 12:30 am, so
when she woke up at 2, I thought "Well, I don't think she's hungry..."
Her crying didn't sound like a hungry crying- it was less urgent and
more like a whining and whimpering. I guessed that a bit of gas might be the problem.
Sure enough, after a minute of tummy rubbing, she settled back to sleep
and didn't wake up to eat until five thirty! She is however, growing out
of a lot of her "newborn habits". She no longer seems to need to be swaddled,
although she likes being held and cuddled tightly. She has "uncurled" her body
quite a bit, and is more comfortable kicking around while being changed or
while playing on the floor. Her head support is improving almost daily it seems,
and she can sometimes hold is up for extended periods of time while I'm
holding her on my lap, as long as her torso is very well supported. It's
frightening how fast she's growing- I should be preparing for the toddler years,
it seems! I'm enjoying the time we have though, although I can't wait until
she hits three months and starts being more sturdy, as well as more responsive.
"Fourth Trimester":
Despite all the walking I'm doing, the tummy flab stubbornly holds it's place. I'm scared I'll never be able to fit into my favorite pair of black jeans again! I weighed myself on Monday and I'm still at 20 lbs down, 25 to go. I know it'll probably take a year or more to lose it all, but I'm hoping to shave off another ten or fifteen by summer. One good thing about all this is that this year's New Year's resolution to lose weight is certain to come true! :)