Life:
This week has been hell! Harmony has been up until 1 am or later 5 out of 7 nights this week! She's cute at certain points of the day, but right now the negatives are much stronger than the positives. I really hope this is just a phase and will pass, because by the time midnight rolls around, I'm at my wit's end! I love her so much, but when all I can think of is "I want to go to bed, I really want to go to bed!" it's very hard to speak in a gentle voice and rock her and hold her. At that late hour, I just put her in her swing, with her soother if needed, and that usually puts her off to sleep. By the end of the week, I learned to just let her sleep in her swing because she always wakes up when I try to move her. I have a feeling all of this may be caused by her 6 week growth spurt. Both Friday and Saturday night she took a full bottle, and then Sunday a half bottle. However, bottle feeding was more frustration than it was worth, so I've just given up completely. Some nights that meant feeding her for a couple hours solid, but I feel I'm up for weaning her off the bottle. I'd really like to get my milk supply up to exactly what she needs, and it does seem like it's getting there. Here is a journal entry from one of those tough nights:
12:21 a.m.
I'm so angry I could scream! I'm not actually at the computer now but I
thought it would be a good idea to provide a view of the "other side" of
things. Usually when I sit down to write a journal entry, it's the middle
of the afternoon and Harmony is sleeping soundly. So here's how I feel in
the middle of the night- argh!!! She hasn't gone to bed yet. It's nearly
12:30 and I have yet to go to sleep. I've put her in her bed (asleep!)
about 5 times in the past 2 hours but she's woken up either right away or
about 5 minutes later! One time it was for a big spit-up (she'd burped,
but I guess there was more...) since she'd taken a full bottle, but the other times
there really wasn't anything wrong. She stopped crying as soon as I picked her
up, wide awake and looking aroun. Then there were the other times I'd put her
in bed and she'd woken up as soon as I'd slipped my arms out from under her,
even so gently and carefully! She's driving me nuts! Right now she's in the
swing- that thing is an absolute life saver. I'm so glad I have it because
about 10 minutes ago, I was so angry that I had to put her down. I get really
scared when I get that angry. Sometimes I'll shock myself when I pick her
up roughly and say "Go to bed!!!" in an angry voice. I know I'd never
ever hurt her, and I still love her, but sometimes it's scary how
close to te edge they can push you. All I can think of now is sleep. Sleep
sleep sleep- that magic elixer dangling just beyond my grasp- I do go a little
crazy at this hour. And knowing that every extra hour she's up is another
hour closer to when she'll want to eat again is also killing me. I'm so not up
for breastfeeding- I'm so exhausted, I don't know if I could! I was rocking her
in the rocking chair for a bit (which of course didn't work) and I felt myself
starting to drift off a little. I'm almost to the point of passing out right now.
She hasn't let me sleep very well the past few days and that's definetely
taking it's toll.
Well, she's asleep in her swing now- time (again!!!) to carefully
ease her out, tiptoe to her room and try to put her down as gently as possible.
I just hope this one'll be her final settling into sleep- I don't think I can
take much more.
Nope! No luck. She's driving me up the wall!!! I hate babies, they just don't listen. I'm feeding her now. She didn't really seem hungry, but maybe this'll make her go to sleep. I don't know what's wrong with her- she just doesn't want to sleep! -end of journal entry-
Yikes- I'm glad I'm not that frustrated during the day... :)
Harmony's Growth:
Even though she's a pain in the butt at night, Harmony definetely has her cute moments during the day! She's talking a little bit now, and actually said "ah-goo"! She's still smiling, reacting to whistling and talking and smiles from me. It sometimes takes a little coaxing, and she usually tires of it quickly, but those little coos and gurgles have been the only thing that keep me going through this rough period of her growth.
Physically, she seems to have had an obvious growth spurt at her 6 week mark! Some of her little sleepers are starting to get tight. Her little cheeks and knees are chubbing out majorly. I didn't get a chance to weigh her on Monday, but next Monday I'll find out how much she weighs when I take her to the Well baby clinic.
"Fourth Trimester":
Believe it or not, I've actually started getting stretch marks on my
breasts. The only time they were even bigger than this was when my milk first
came in, but only for a day or two of engorgement. It's quite strange, but
it feels as though my milk only really came in this week. Maybe it's because
I'm trying so hard to avoid the bottle. I haven't used it since last Sunday night.
I found a pair of jeans that have a drawstring waist! It feels so great to
be in real pants- I'm getting so sick of my overalls, but those were the only
non-maternity pants that fit. This will make breastfeeding much easier when
Harmony and I are not at home. The pants are quite snug, and you can definetley
see a tummy bulge, but I know that'll fix itself in the upcoming months.
I can't wait until I can fit into all my other pants.