Last updated: Jan, 9th, 1998
I had a notebook tucked away in my labour bag, and I've transfered the
entries from there to here. I'm glad I was somehow able to find the time and strength
to do this; now for years to come I can look back on the experience, and
many years from now Harmony can read just what it was like bringing her
into the world!
Thursday, November 26th, 1998 9:38 am:
Well, I'm in the hospital- we arrived almost 2 hours ago. Things are going
very slowly- my contractions have been every 10 minutes for the past few hours,
but they aren't getting any stronger. My OB (Dr. Wolfish) just finished doing an internal
check- I'm 1-2 cm dialated and 50% effaced. I had a really strong contraction
right after the check, so perhaps all that poking around will help move things
along. They're going to start me on a Pitocin IV soon. I was hoping to avoid
being induced with drugs, but I also really want to be energized and excited
for the laobur. If I'm walking around for the whole day, I know I wont be
feeling very energetic! I'm going to try to take a nap now to save my energy
for the labour. Hopefully I'll have a little baby girl by tonight and not
still have a big belly!
11:07 am:
Well, oddly enough my contractions got stronger and closer together when I
lay down to rest. At about 10:30 they started the IV and that also seems to
be pushing things along. My contractions are now about 5-10 mins apart and
getting stronger. Sarah arrived shortly before the IV so I didn't get a chance
to nap but I'm alone now and I'm going to try again.
2:43 pm:
My contractions started speeding up a few hours ago. A few minutes ago,
Dr. Wolfish checked my cervix to see how dialated I was and broke my waters-
fully. It was pretty painful, but things are really picking up now. It felt really
strange- just an all of a sudden gush of fluids! My contractions are pretty
painful but I'm doing really well breathing through them. So far, the pain
is tolerable. The contractions are a few times more painful than my most
painful menstrual cramps. I keep trying to focus on Harmony and the fact that
she'll be here soon. One thing that also helps is thinking that the most
painful of this set of contractions might be the least painful of the next
set. I'm glad I'm still focused enough to write- I want to be able to
remember this.
5:43 pm:
Still progressing. I'm going through a lot of pain, but I'm proud
of the fact that I haven't requested an epidural. I was in the tub for a bit
and have been switching positions. The baby's head feels like it's descended
a bit, so we might be on our way soon. I've slowed down a bit- the contractions
aren't as bad and there's more of a break in between. About an hour ago,
I would definetely not have been able to write!
11:28 pm:
At about 6:30, they checked my cervix and it hadn't dialated any further.
After 4 hours of really hard labour, this news sent me into a vicious cycle-
I was so upset that I'd worked so hard for so long to no avail that I wasn't
focused as well on my contractions. The contractions got more and more painful.
I did end up getting an epidural at 8:30, which really helped. The
contractions before it had been excruciatingly painful. I remember feeling
absolutely terrified, hopeless and out of control. They did another internal
about 45 minutes ago. I still haven't progressed any further. I'm scheduled
to go in for a casesarean section at midnight. So Harmony will actually
be born on the 27th, but just barely. I'm upset that I wont have the regular
labour I'd been preparing for but I'm glad that I will soon get to see my
daughter, safe and sound. I was getting more and more worried as more time passed
since my membranes ruptured on Wednesday morning. Well, here we go. Within
the next few hours, I'll no longer be pregnant. I'll be a mom.
Friday, November 27th, 1998, 9:16 am:
She's here and she's absolutely perfect and the most beautiful baby I've ever
seen. She was born at 12:59 am and weighed 7 lbs 6 oz. It was a very strange
experience, having a c-section- it was something I really wasn't prepared for.
They gave me lots more of the epidural to numb me and told it wouldn't hurt-
it did! All that poking and pressure and digging around in my insides had me
screaming out in pain. My midsecion may have been numb in most outside layers,
but there wasn't much they could do about the insides. But it was definetely
worth the pain, because now my little Harmony is here.
Sunday, November 29th, 7:25 am:
It's been a rough few days (the very roughest of my 18 and a half years so far)
but Harmony and I are doing well. She's absolute angel of a baby so far. She hardly
ever cries, and she's got a really good solid latch for breastfeeding. In fact,
she likes it too much. I'm quite sore because she doesn't only suck when she's
hungry- she uses it as a comforting habit as well. I guess I'll have to dig
out the pacifier earlier than expected if I want my nipples to survive.
We've had lots of visitors- and I mean a lot. I'll make a list here and
then transfer to the baby book later:
FRIDAY:
Nadine
Norma
Sarah (and Arianna), and Krissie
Chris' mother
Grandma Toni and Aunt Annette
Dee-Dee, Aunt Lorraine, Cousin Laura, and Karen S., Cynthia, Alicia, Gillian and Andrew.
SATURDAY:
Nadine
Sean and John
Karen T. and Paul
Norma
I'm trying to stick by my newborn care plan as much as possible but it's
difficult because of the c-section. My incision is still fairly sore and I
can't get in and out of bed easily, although at least now I'm able to do it.
I got my IV and catheter out yesterday and actually had a shower. I was feeling
really good after that, and I think I may have pushed myself a bit too far.
Yesterday was a really long day. I chose to have my shower during the hospital "nap time"
(2:30- 3:30 visiting hours take a break) so I didn't get a chance to nap.
Harmony's been feeding as I've been writing and she's done now so I'll
burp her and continue writing later.
7:58 am:
Ok, I tried to burp her and now she's lying peacefully asleep beside me.
It took a lot of manuevering, but I lowered the bed (it's automatic) while
holding her and then lay her down. Then, with arms free, I was able to push
myself up to a sitting position. She looks so sweet right now, my little
precious sweetheart, all bundled up! It seems at times like these I must
love her best when she's sleeping. But then when she's awake, I know I
just adore the way her little tiny eyes look into mine. I'm not sure
exactly how well she can see, but it seems to me she can see me, or smell
me, or at least recognize me enough to know when I was nearby. At 1:30 pm
yesterday, I was finally ready to eat my lunch. It had arrived at 12:30
but then Harmony had needed feeding and then a diaper change. I put her in
her hospital bassinet and she started crying when I went over to eat. I
couldn't think of why, so I tried just talking to her a bit and she calmed down.
Then, as soon as I was out of sight again, she started crying. So I just rolled the
table over next to her and ate my lunch looking at her and talking to her.
And you know what? She was fine! She just alertly looked at me the whole time.
She looks so intelligent somehow, just the way her little eyes shine.
They've a dark blue now, but who knows what color they'll be in a few months.
I feel pretty good this morning. Harmony only had to eat once in the night-
I was up with her from 1 until about 3 am. They brought her in this morning
around 7, so that's not a bad sleep. I sure need the sleep- it feels as
though I've been to hell and back, especially after last night. Last night
is the one reason I can't wait to get out of here- but that'll have to wait until
after breakfast.
1:15 pm:
Harmony finally went to sleep after her 12:30 feeding- Chris' mother stopped
by with Geoff (Chris' brother) so they held her and tried to burp her while I ate lunch.
They've brought her back to the nursery and I'm going to settle down for
a nap. It always seems there are people here when she's sleeping, etc. but
never when I need them! This morning she fussed for hours and I tried everything
under the sun to get her to stop crying. I was just about at my wits end because
no one was around and I really had to use the washroom but a really nice nurse
stopped by and suggested taking her down to the nursery. I guess the walk there calmed
her or they got her to burp or something cause she was quiet when Chris' mother,
Geoff and I went to get her a half hour later. There are some moments when
I feel just terrible, like my world is falling apart around me. I worry
so much about Harmony, whether she's eating enough, etc. but she seems
to be doing really well. Last night was just awful. My stitches have healed
to the point where I can get in and out of bed ok, but I can't bring Harmony
in or out with me. Last night I had her in bed with me and I really had to
go to the bathroom. I had to call 3 times before someone came to lift her out.
Then, about half an hour later, she decided she was hungry. I called
for someone to come and no one did. I started freaking out-
I had to sit there and watch my baby cry cause she was hungry and there was
nothing I could do! I called again and finally 2 nurses came. But instead of
giving me my hungry child, they bitched at me, saying I wasn't the only patient
here and that they were very busy doing the reports for shift switch. So that was
really frustrating because I was just so upset. Anyways, Harmony's finally
asleep so now it's my turn...
9:50 pm:
Harmony has lost 1 pound since birth and I'm so stressed out! I'm so
worried about my little baby girl. They've checked her latch and said
that she was latching on perfectly so it's probably just that I don't have
enough colostrum to keep up with her food demand. I just fed her again for
about the 5th time since 5 pm and then after gave her a formula supplement.
The nurse there gave me some information about her knowledge or a lot of
people who had supplemented and said that a few bottles wouldn't cause
nipple confusion. I was a little worried about supplementing at first,
but I think that Harmony getting her weight back up is a priority. The very
worst that can happen by giving her formula is that she'll need to stay on it,
and that isn't very likely, since I'll also be breastfeeding as much as I
can give her before she takes the bottle. And if I don't give her the
supplement, her weight could keep dropping so the positives definetely
outweight the negatives. Hopefully my milk will come in very soon and everything
will be fine. I have so much more to write about- every second with my daughter
is a new experience. There have been a lot of scary moments, and a lot of
happy moments. I feel like I'm on an emotional and hormonal roller coaster-
hopefully soon someone will let me off! I'll be glad to get out of the hospital
though- I'll definetely feel better once I'm in control. Most of my nurses
have been nice, but the experiences I've had with the ones who aren't haunt me.
Some people just don't realize that even though something has become routine
for them, it's still an absolutely new, stressful, and exhausting experience.
I'll definetely need a few years recovery before the next one!
November 30th, 1:57 am:
Harmony just had a feeding- a good suck on both sides (though she didn't seem
to get much) and then about an ounce of formula. I'm going to try
to sleep again- it was hard last time because I sneezed for the 1st time since
the surgery- ouch! It felt like I was being ripped open again. Hopefully
this time I'll sleep better 'til her next feeding.
5:15 am:
Harmony fed a little on one breast- I'm so relieved! They said she slept
soundly after the last feeding. She is looking a little better. My breasts feel
a bit heavier- my milk will probably come in soon.
10:00 am:
Harmony is doing well. She's sleeping right now, back in my room for the day.
I fed her again at 8:30- she really sucked that formula back quickly- you
can tell she's hungry. She looks a lot better and Dr. O'Neil says that her
jaundice is gone and she's had a poop. She looks a lot healthier than she did
last night. My mind is slowly returning to a peaceful state. I've been assured
by everyone that there's really nothing to worry about. Babies are expected
to loose weight after birth, and c-section babies are expected to loose a little
more. Some mothers just don't have enough colostrum, and supplementing can only do good.
See, I'm glad I'm writing in this hournal, because repeating all the positives
to myself is reassuring. I'm feeling a bit better. I had a chance to eat
breakfast before feeding Harmony. After feeding her, the nursery kept her
while I took a shower and had my staples taken out. I was really glad it
didn't hurt! I've kept the staples- there are 12 of them. I don't know what
I'll do with them. Maybe send some to Chris? I just might. Harmony looks so
cute right now. She occasionaly makes little noises and of course my head snaps
up at every peep. I can't help but feel over-protective of this tiny little
soul that's only 3 days old. I love her so much already, and tell her so
often. Who knows- maybe she understands.
10:30 pm:
What an exhausting few hours it's been! I spent quite a while trying to get
Harmony interested in feeding. But the good news- when she finally started
sucking, she was sucking on real breast milk- I'm so relieved it's finally
come in- no more worrying about formula supplements. I was so stressed out
though- she was so sleepy and disinterested until about quarter to nine.
She started feeding then and didn't sleep until 10:15. My back is killing me!
But I'm super relieved she's ok. They weighed her and she's gained 4 oz since
last night- there should be no further problems. I can't wait to go home
(well, to my grandma Dee-Dee's) tommorow. Maybe then this fuzzy haze my brain is
surrounded by will be lifted, if only slightly- it will still help to feel in control.
December 1st
Finally at Dee-Dee's- it's a wonderful feeling to be out of the hospital.
Now Harmony and I can establish our own routine. I'm absolutely exhausted,
but I really feel a whole lot better emotionally, physically too. I did a
relaxation technique we learned in yoga class and my sore back feels a lot
better.
That's the end of the journal. The rest of our first week went pretty well-
my father was in town to help out and I was so glad because I don't think
I could have done it without him. He took Harmony in his room the first couple
nights and brought her to me for feedings and that really helped. I felt
better having him do it than I did when she was in the nursery because I knew
he would bring her to me as soon as she started crying. You never really know
what they do with your child in the nursery and I wish I'd had the strenth to
have Harmony with me at all times. However, we're now undoing the damage,
slowly by surely. We returned home to my apartment on Saturday,
when Harmony was eight days old. That really helped out even more, because
I was sleeping in my own bed, surrounded by familiar things. Even though
I have a crib, I left Harmony in her car bed, because newborns like to feel
enclosed- it reminds them of the womb. We had a bit of time for play time,
but mostly we were just trying to get everything straightened out, get
into a routine. Besides, Harmony doesn't really seem like she is ready to
"play" yet. She's just adjusting to the basics of life right now and that's
taking all of her energy. We're still having a little trouble getting the
breastfeeding thing down, and I have had to continue supplementing at night.
I'm still exploring my little tiny newborn, and I'll find myself just sitting
and looking at her sometimes, just staring in wonder. I still can't believe
I created this perfect little human being and that she's here, instead
of inside me. Sometimes in the first week when I felt a muscle spasm, or my
uterus contracting, I'd reflexively think "Oh, it's the baby kicking!" It seems
so silly, but also understandable that after months of having something living
inside you, it would be difficult to adjust to not having something living inside
you. I suppose in time I'll completley forget what it was like to be pregnant,
it's already started to fade on me... I'm glad I kept those journals!
And I'm glad I'm keeping these journals, because maybe someday I'll
forget what Harmony was like as a newborn. That's really hard to believe
now, but someday when she's a toddler (or a teenager- yikes!!!) I'll be
able to look back on these entries and remember what it was like to sit
and stare at my precious baby girl and wonder what the years will bring...
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